closet vegan

10 Clues that you might be a closet vegan

Hey are you in wicked denial about  eating fewer adorable, little creatures? You might just be a closet vegan.

1. You read more vegan blogs than a straw-man militant vegan.

If you are reading this, and have a user name of ‘angelcarnivore322′ you are probably a closet vegan.

I don’t frequent skydiving blogs leaving snarky comments, nor do I troll hunting blogs.

Why are there so many meat eaters that are interested in vegan stuff? What the fuck are they doing on a vegan blog leaving annoying comments.  I know that trolls exist. I really doubt that all negative comments are trolls, shills and astro-turfers.

Who are you really trying to convince with your long winded, fallacy laden argument? Why are you trying to out vegans as hypocrites? Why are you mentioning that plants feel pain?  Why do you care what other people eat?

Because you are a closet vegan.

I truly believe that deep down inside, everyone is a vegan. No one wants to hurt little critters, medium sized ones, and especially the big cuddly ones. No one wants to make them scream in agony. No one truly wants animals to suffer in factory farms. No one wants to destroy the earth’s ecosystems and burn down rainforest for a goddamn cheeseburger. BUT, People have egos and a tangled mess of consciousness; they do all sorts of miserable things. Yet they cannot avoid this inner voice, it whispers to them. So they follow it and it leads them to a vegan blog . That is when the ego takes over and they have to prove, mostly to themselves, why vegans are wrong. That’s why they are closet vegans.

Yeah but that carrot feels pain too, right?!? RIGHT!?!

2. You are more concerned about my lunch than your ever worsening ebola symptoms.

Okay, I get it, I’m eating rabbit food. Heh, funny. You have to make a joke every fucking meal I eat. Why are you so concerned though? I am not pestering you about burning down the rainforest for that shitty burger you’re eating. Why would a ‘carnivore’ give a flying fuck about what a vegan eats?

Think about it. Really though, why are you so concerned?

Why are you so concerned about who Stacy is taking home tonight? You keep making snarky comments and jokes about her and that guy she’s talking to…

Maybe, just maybe you like Stacy?

And you are a goddamn closet vegan.

3. If you wear a “Meat is murder, tasty tasty murder” shirt.

Imagine what you’d think of a person wearing a shirt that says,

“I have a huge penis and am absolutely not a premature ejaculator!”

4. You get upset about the killing of dolphins or whales.

“Oh my gawd, I’m so sad about those whales…”


“Yeah, fuck cows though.”

5. If you like hummus.

That shit is good, huh?

You are a grade A closet vegan, no doubt about it… Seriously.

Now get off that vegan Facebook page, you don’t need to write a nasty comment.

6. You would try, but you just can’t give up “insert meat here”.

It is difficult to give up eating meat, it truly is. Every person who says they just can’t, they can by the way, is declaring how little impulse control they have. Imagine if you heard these excuses.

I would be skinny but I can’t stop overeating.

I would learn to program but I can’t stop playing video games.

I would start my own business but I am a lazy fuck.

It is amazing how little we are willing to sacrifice. During WWII meat was rationed for the soldiers and people back home were instructed to eat lentils instead. Back then, people weren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but they complied for the better good of the world. Could you imagine people doing the same now?


7. You cry after hunting that momma deer.

There are a lot of people who could never kill a momma pig themselves, who will go to the store and eat her. I feel that if you are not one of those borderline psychopathic hunter types like Ted Nugent, you really might just be a closet vegan.

Just think about killing an animal and its screams. Imagine it wallowing in its death agony, just so you can get fatter.

Tons of people would be vegan if they had to do the dirty work.

8. You kind of, like maybe, sort of, don’t like bacon all that much.

You’re a fucking closet vegan.


9. You have an irrational hate of vegans.

There are only 2% of the population in the U.S. that declare themselves to be vegan. That leaves a staggering 98% of people that are not. It is odd how much attention such a small minority gets. I think I know why…

Everybody wants to be skinny and in shape, right? BUT, it requires a ton of effort and sacrifice. FUCK THAT!  Instead just hate on those shallow, mean, stuck up, skinny bitches? AMIRIGHT?!?

I believe the same sort of thing is happening with  a closet vegan.

People wish for control over their lives and impulses. When they see someone struggling, striving, sacrificing and accomplishing something they themselves wish they could do, it outs them. So they go to a soda machine, put in their $1.75 and press the glowing Haterade® button.

It’s so much easier to gulp down that high fructose corn syrup abomination than to give in to their conscience.

They know people will be mean to them, they’d have to examine what other spooky things their ego is hiding, and they might have to, GASP, make a sacrifice or two.

Nah, being a closet vegan man-baby is so much easier.

10. You actually have your own vegan blog, are a member of PETA and avoid animal products.

Yeah, it’s pretty safe to claim you are a closet vegan.